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Posts tagged "bastards"

In America, Times Are A-Changing

Logan HorsfordOnce again, we have an article from the globe-trotting guru, Logan Horsford, with his take on how things that are changing from within the United States, brought to you by someone who is an outside observer looking in. Who is Logan Horsford, you ask? Logan is the author of “Logan’s Voyage” (http://logansvoyage.blogspot.com/), a journal of his word travels and escapades. This time, Logan amuses us with his unique perspective on the changes in American culture. He may just be getting older…

There have been a lot of big changes just in my brief lifetime.  While many of them (the rise of the computer, gay acceptance, etc) are daily hammered into us, here are five which are less well publicized.

 

 

 

 

CARRYING THE BRIDE OVER THE THRESHOLD

Carrying a bride over the threshold

While some have claimed it’s “So the bitch can’t escape” the actual answer seems a bit more complicated than that.

Bound bride

I mean, there are easier ways to make sure the bride can’t run off…

In the olden days there were a lot of kidnappings and some how having the man’s hands full of woman – instead of weapon – prevented it. Doubtless if your bride was a midget, you’d have an easier time of things.  Yet another reason midgets are superior.

Midgets are superior

Plus, you’d have the whole ‘Mad Max’ thing going.

Evil spirits might enter the bride unless she was carried over the threshold.  That was a problem back then.  These days who wouldn’t want a ‘demon in the sack’?

Possessed woman

Being out of your mind insane – or better still possessed – while having sex is probably a huge turn on for most men.

Carrying a woman over the threshold also highlighted her modesty – she didn’t want to appear to keen to lose her virginity.  By her husband grabbing her and carrying her in, he was asserting his manly dominance and she was just the helpless party.   According to a study, seven out of ten people have had sex by the time they’re nineteen years old.  It is unknown if the other three are lying.  Hence, your chances of carrying a virgin are pretty slim.  In this age of women still working to get liberated women may or may not have had as many or more sexual partners than the men.

Lugging your bride over the threshold also sought to escape the bad luck that would befall the wife were she to trip over the threshold while entering her new home.  Honestly, if her husband fell on her, her luck would probably be worse.

Especially if these two were trying to carry each other…

More Cake

These days you might trip over one of her children from a previous hookup while entering the house.  Which brings us to –

 

BASTARDS

The dictionary definition of a bastard is ‘a person born of parents not married to each other’.

Back in the eleventh century (a couple years before even my time) the term ‘bastard’ had more severe connotations.  It was a big deal.  Even William the Conqueror was sometimes called William the Bastard. Presumably when he couldn’t hear it.

Dungeon

Free room and board for calling the king ‘a bastard’?  Who wouldn’t be excited about that?

In popular culture and usage, the word’s primary definition has slowly changed to become a mild insult.

The reason is that in the USA there is one divorce every thirty six seconds, your chances of knowing or being a ‘bastard’ are pretty good.

“If the divorce rate is 50%, when two people say ‘I do’, one is lying.” – Logan Horsford.

To get away from a lot of bastards, you might need to take a –

 

ROAD TRIPS

Annual Gas Prices

Back in the 1980’s, Americans would regularly take road trips.  European’s apparently haven’t had this custom since their early 1900’s as gas prices seem to be double or triple the USA.

In the USA, you’d typically pile into a car with several friends and drive off to somewhere else on a fairly flimsy premise for anywhere from a couple hours to a whole day.  Heck, they even built special roads back in the 1950’s which helped out with this.

For longer road trips, things like the iconic Route 66 became popular.

route 66

Soaring gas prices have ensured the last most people have heard of ‘Road Trip’ was the mediocre movie released in the year 2000.

Of course, you might not need to take a road trip for something special when you can just do some –

 

DRUGS

One of the earlier conversations I overheard a group of adults discussing was drugs.  They were discussing them in hushed, serious tones.  Apparently, one of the older boys had been caught with some…marijuana.

In the 1970’s, many non-hippies believed that doing any sort of drugs would inevitably lead to snorting cocaine off a hookers ass…

Hooker's ass

Love the internet.  You want a picture of someone sorting coke off a hookers’ ass?  You got it.

Eventually, drugs would cause you to spin out of control and exhibit bizarre, anti-social behavior.

Bill the Butcher

Like dressing in garb from the ninetieth century.

Back then, drugs were bad, but today have gained a lot of social acceptance.

smoke meth

But paling in comparison to drugs are all of the other –

 

DISTRACTIONS

Drugs aren’t the only wildly addictive thing.

Statistics for texting and driving are pretty shocking.  Not enough for people to stop it – clearly causing several hundred dollars in damage to your (or your parents) car is preferable to any delay in seeing a message that won’t really influence your life.

Texting while driving

Screw my life and the lives of others.  I’m entitled to be able to do this!

Texting while driving...

While it’s a great ad campaign, you’re going to have to wait until a specific person runs over a kid.  Will that stop them from texting while driving or will they want to immediately text “Ran over kid LOL, FML.”

Cellphones in restaurants

 

Because anything is better than having a conversation with the person you are actually…with.  It’s a new way to live ‘in the moment’.  Not the moment you are actually in but one that obviously can’t be delayed.  Look at the bright side – if you were actually with the person who was texting you, you would probably ignore them in favor of anyone else who sent you a text.

Does anyone else consider it  boorish behavior when people ignore you to yammer on their cells or text? This is especially tragic since many people haven’t seemed to figure out that cell phones enable speaking to a person who is at a distance.  Hence, you don’t need to yell.

Yelling into a cell phone

They are taking away time we have together.  Time we will never have again.  Then again, with people like that, perhaps it is not a bad thing.

With all of the electronic devices yammering for our attention, multitasking has become a popular enough buzz word that even spell check recognizes it.

Despite corporations banging on about how they want people who can do it and people believing they can, studies have shown this to be a myth.  Hence, when you think you are paying attention to someone talking to you in a restaurant but ‘just checking something real quick’ you are lying to yourself and being rude to the person you’re with.  Or you are trying to signal them that spending time with anyone anywhere else would be preferable to hanging out with them.

Screaming in car

 


Logan Horsford is known as the “globe-trotting homeless person”. For the past several years, he hasn’t let the moss grow under his feet as he travels from country-to-country, visiting some of the most humble locations on earth.

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Posted by Jimm - April 5, 2014 at 4:45 pm

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Five Successful People Who Were Born A Love Child

Born Out Of WedlockA young mother and reader wrote to me today asking if there were any famous people who were born out of wedlock.  We’ve talked about this  in the past (not the illegitimate topic, you can find that from an article in January, 2011 (http://myfivebest.com/five-famous-people-who-thought-their-mother-was-their-sister/) but with a different twist.  This woman wanted to know some really famous people.  Since I’ve never had anyone ask me for a specific article, I thought I’d give it a try. Being born out of wedlock is not a 21st century invention.  Many famous and successful people have been born to parents who were not married when they were born.  Having two parents does not correlate to success and there is nothing wrong with a child who is raised by one parent or the other.  Here are five people who challenged public opinion and became very successful.  Incidentally, anyone who has a question is always more than welcome to request a specific article or answer to their questions.  You can email me at: info@myfivebest.com and I will respond to it. Read more…

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Posted by Jimm - April 3, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Categories: History   Tags: , , , , , , , , ,