5 Life Lessons The Empire Taught Me From Star Wars
It’s Star Wars Day ('May the Fourth' Be With You) and here is my dedication to those wonderful movies from my youth. While Star Wars may be a fictional series of silver screen delight, I have learned many valuable lessons throughout the years from viewing the Empire and how it worked. Sure, they are evil, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t contribute valuable life-lessons to the rest of us. In each of these examples I’ve explained the points I learned and have summed it up at the end. Have a great Star Wars Day and don’t party too hard on Cinco de Mayo - there is still The Revenge of the Sixth.
THERE ARE NO HANDRAILS IN SPACE
In Star Wars, it is quite apparent that the more advanced a civilization is, the less there is a need for handrails. They built an entire Death Star - no handrails. Anytime there is a huge fight - no handrails and people are just plummeting to their doom over the side of a narrow chasm because they got bumped into or tripped. Now the primitive Ewoks? They were smart enough to have installed handrails. I have figured out why there are no handrails, however. The reason is that there is no use for them. Jedis and Dark Lords of the Sith are just going to cut your hands anyway...If you want to be safe, though, spring the extra $300 for a good handrail.
ALWAYS BE THE GUY STANDING NEXT TO THE GUY WHO SCREWED UP
Without fail, if you are working for the Empire, you want to be next to the guy who made a mistake. It doesn’t matter if you are a Captain or the Janitor, if Vader starts choking the life out of someone, whoever is standing next to him will become the next guy in charge. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not...This does bring up another question, though. If Vader can choke the life out of you from a galaxy far, far away, how come he just doesn’t do that to Luke, Leia, and Han right from the beginning? Lesson learned: Try to be in the right place at the right time - especially if your boss just made a mistake.
IF YOU ARE GOING TO CLONE SOMEONE, MAKE SURE YOU CHECK THEIR EYESIGHT
Stormtroopers are clones of Boba Fett’s dad, Jango. That means that they are exactly the same as this fearsome bounty hunter. Did anyone ever check to see if he was wearing contact lenses? These guys are TERRIBLE shots! They couldn’t hit the side of a bus if it stopped in front of them. You’d think that if you’re going to spend possibly billions of dollars building a synthetic army you’d want to do a thorough job vetting the guy who you are basing them on. Always do a little research before jumping into a big project that requires accuracy.
EVERY GREAT PLAN HAS A CRACK IN IT SOMEWHERE
Or a three foot exhaust vent that you can shoot missiles down...Every time the Empire comes up with a “fool-proof” plan, the Rebels find a hole in it. For example, the second Death Star. Why would anyone put a shield generator on a neighboring planet that could be easily destroyed by the Rebels? I mean, even if you had to do that at the beginning stages of the construction, the thing was almost built! You’d think they would have moved it up to the actual Death Star that late in construction. Also, if you are on a planet where the most important factor to your success is the shield generator, why not deforest the area for a hundred miles around so no one could sneak up on you and take the shields down? Poor planning all the way around. No matter how well conceived your plans in life, you have to look for those little flaws that could ruin everything.
APPLE IS THE OFFICIAL COMPUTER SYSTEM OF THE EMPIRE
How do I know this? Not once when the Empire was going to blow up a planet like Alderaan did you see the “Blue Screen Of Death” or the words “Cannot Launch ‘destroy.rebellion.exe’ due to Low Memory”. In fact, the only way to take those computers offline is to have an R2 unit or use a blaster. Had they been Microsoft Computers, there would always be some sort of virus bugging the system or an update going on. In the case of running the known Galaxy, the Siths are Mac people. Well played, Emperor! Macs are better than PCs and even the Empire is pretentious about this.
Actually, the Empire began to phase out the all-Fett clones after the end of the clone wars, there was only one operating unit, the famous 501st legion. So stormtroopers are just basic grunts, explaining their terrible aim compared to the basically superhuman clones of Jango
May the Force be With you!