5 Superheroes Too Stupid To Be Avengers
The Avengers hit the silver screen this year with fantastic success. Billed as "The Earth's Mightiest Heroes"; Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, The Hulk, Black Widow, and Hawkeye join forces to save the world from Loki and an evil alien menace. While four of these superheroes have had their own movies and are easily recognizable to even non-comic book fans, there were many other superheroes too stupid to be Avengers and that did not fare so well in making the Avenger's tryout. This is actually amazing, because the Avengers will take almost anyone as a team member. Since 1963, there have been 188 different characters in the comic series. How could you NOT be in the Avengers if you have a super power? Well, these are the heroes that are so absurd that Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) didn't have on speed dial to save the earth in times of trouble. After seeing them, you'll know why...
This Marvel character is...well...a duck. He had his own comic book series and even had a movie made with his name in the title in 1986. He first appeared (ironically) in Adventure Into Fear #19 (1973). Howard is supposedly a master of Quack-Fu and has superhuman strength...oh...and he can talk. When you're a duck, that IS a superpower! While somewhat of a parody character (he once fought a vampiric cow, known as Hellcow), Howard The Duck also fought alongside the Defenders and the Fearsome Four. Nonetheless...he's a duck...did I mention that?
If you want to be a part of the Avengers and they don't want you because you are too ridiculous, then you form your own group: The Great Lakes Avengers. It's bad enough that Cleveland used to be known as "The Mistake on the Lake", but the region was also saddled with this embarrassment. One of its members was Squirrel Girl, the superhero alter ego of Doreen Green. Squirrel Girl has the amazing power of being able to talk to squirrels. She also has super strength and agility, razor claws, and a prehensile tail...and she looks like a squirrel. This laughable character is no one to be trifled with, however. She has beaten the likes of Dr. Doom, Deadpool, Mandarin, MODOK, and even Thanos. In fact, she has been called "The Destroyer Of All That Breathes". Give me a break!
In 1980 (actually two years earlier), disco was king and Marvel couldn't let this trend get by without adding a superhero that emulated the musical phenomenon. In walks, Dazzler. Her real name is Alison Blaire and she's a law student with the mutant ability that allows her to turn sound vibrations into light energy. The character is really just too stupid for words. She wears a silver jump suit and shoots light out at bad guys through music. Lucky for us, the music died in 1985, although another superhero group did take her - Excalibur.
Sometimes a superhero team needs a person with a very special skill set...like when Jarvis (Iron Man's computer system) loses the English version of the instructions to his new suit and the only available set is in Japanese. That's when you call in Doug Ramsey, aka Cypher. His superpower, you ask? He can translate any language. That's it. Nothing else. No fighting. No uncontrolled rage. He's an English-to-whatever-the-hell-you've-got dictionary. In fact, he's afraid to fight, so he runs from any trouble. He was a part of the New Mutants who's star was a teenage girl who can create fireworks, so that should tell you something. Not surprising, this "superhero" never made the Avengers and got himself killed.
This guy actually DID make the Avenger's member-in-training team, but he didn't get much farther. His name is Starfox, aka Eros (like the Greek God of Love). One of the things holding him back from full Avenger membership was that his brother is Thanos, who is the personification of Death. The other reason is because of his superpower: He can control women to fall in love with him against their will. OK, you're probably saying that this is a genius superpower to have, but the rest of the world calls that rape. Not a very super-heroic power...women have enough problems today with people trying to tell them with they can do with their bodies...